Competitive intelligence reports, delivered to your doorstep. See over the last few years I managed to get my name into the computer at all the local rock-n-roll shops. And they all send me sales literature. I know what they've got and at what price. Some prices I can't match - most I won't even try. Lots of cartel brands that I couldn't get if I wanted to. But the key is the knowledge itself. There's an entire coalition of music stores trying to take on the giant of the industry, who shall remain nameless, but whose initials are Guitar Center. The rebel alliance. Well shouldn't I be fighting alongside with them? Not on your life. Well at least not for this calendar year and probably the next several. They're all in another world. An entirely different demographic. They're all fighting over miserable profit margins on over-priced rock-n-roll gear. I've got a bit of rock-n-roll gear. And it's not moving. What's moving? Most recently, flutes. Before that, saxophones.

Think I'm gonna' fire the accountant. I want Arthur Andersen to do the books. You can make it look like I made 4 billion this year? Cool. Sign me up.

Think I figured out the secret to incredible wealth. Negative losses. That's the key. Lose so much money that even the losses are in the red. When you stick it on a balance sheet it ends up (TaDa...) on the profit column. Course to do this you have to lose the same money twice and this is the feat for which they pay the big accounting bucks.

Poor old R. Kelly - accused of filming himself having sex with a fourteen year girl. It wasn't me and I don't know who it was on that tape you found in that camcorder in my bedroom. And his lawyer chirps in that the girl is legal age anyway. They probably should've talked before the trial.

The pledge of allegiance is ruled unconstitutional. One nation under god. Can't have that. I never found that even half as disturbing as the practice of making oaths to a piece of colored cloth.