Whew! With the help of melatonin and lorazepam ( similar to valium) I managed to sleep almost through the night, Christmas Eve. For the first time in 8 years. Christmas has become one of the harder times of the year for me. It precedes the anniversary 13 January of my son’s death. Thankfully we did have him for his first Christmas, blissfully unaware of how lucky we were at the time.

Then came 1998, and doing my firefighter thing Christmas morning, 3 am, while a father, son and 2 daughters died in the flames of their Christmas Eve fireplace ashes….reignited after being moved as far as the pantry, soon to go to the trash during the expected day-after cleanup. And lastly, Christmas afternoon, California time, the tsunami near dawn of the 26^th in my second homeland, Thailand. So many caught by surprise, so much terror and death and destruction. Knowing someone who is missing makes it personal. Knowing nature is always up to something makes it scary. Knowing it was Christmas, makes it sad.

Saying “Merry Christmas” to everyone you see, you don’t think about it….that to some, this is the worst part of the year, not the best. That may be why I don’t respond with the same sort of glee you feel. But it’s OK…it’s getting better.

I think.